If Only My Hymen Would Repair Itself

Hymen — a mythical and seldom-seen creature that hails from the dark region known as Vaginadorn. Used as something of a virginal guard dog, protecting fair maidens from the thrusting advances of mischievous men’s pork-sword. At least, that’s what we think it’s all about. And it seems Twitter users have just about the same clue that we have…

I can’t say I’m any kind of authority in a biomedical field of any description, however my meager knowledge of the female form tells me that a hymen is something, like your innocence, that simply won’t return after you roger yourself with a couple of digits at the age of fourteen, while dreaming of David Hasselhoff with his dense copse of hamburger meat spilling out of his shirt. Or, whatever else it is teenage girls think about these days while masturbating.

Is that like a normal hymen? So when someone makes you aware of a piece of knowledge you weren’t privy to earlier, do you bleed profusely from an orifice?

Yes. Wheaties are still a breakfast treat enjoyed by many an aspiring sporting hero. In fact, we believe that Tiger Woods still enjoys them while in between acts of violating cocktail waitresses behind his wife’s back. On the matter of your hymen, however, with a name like fuckmefuckme, we’re doubtful that yours was ever intact beyond your eleventh birthday.